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Wake The Silence #2: Loyalty and Betrayal

Updated: Aug 2

Boundaries no one talks about — until it’s too late.


By Elena Zhidkova-Rice


Man and woman sitting apart on a couch, turned away from each other in silence. Text overlay reads: “Wake the Silence #2 — Loyalty and Betrayal: Where does loyalty end and betrayal begin?”
What does loyalty mean in your family? Where does betrayal begin?

The Boundaries We Never Spoke About

Not before marriage. Not after.

There were assumptions — unspoken rules about what loyalty meant. But assumptions turn into landmines. You only find them when they explode.


What Is Betrayal, Really?

I used to believe betrayal was obvious — an affair, sex outside marriage, sneaking around.

But loneliness can be its own betrayal. I felt it in my own marriage — silence so heavy I couldn’t breathe. Out of desperation, I searched for connection somewhere else. Not because I wanted to betray, but because I wanted to feel alive.

That experience forced me to ask:

  • What is loyalty, really?

  • Where does betrayal begin?

For some, flirting is harmless.For others, a hug is too much.And for most couples — these boundaries are never discussed until someone crosses them.


The Questions No One Asks — Until It’s Too Late

Russian psychologist N.I. Kozlov’s Family Questionnaire shocked me with its directness. It doesn’t tiptoe around loyalty — it forces couples to define it.

Some of its questions:

  • Can a husband have close friendships with other women — at work, on trips, on vacation?

  • Can he hug another woman? Kiss her on the cheek? Dance closely?

  • Does it matter if his wife is present?

And for the wife:

  • Can she have close male friends? Hug them? Dance with them? Flirt?

  • What, for each of you, crosses the line into betrayal?

The questionnaire goes further:

  • Are you prone to jealousy?

  • Is jealousy proof of love, or proof of insecurity?

  • Is a “light flirt” harmless — or is it betrayal?


Why These Questions Matter

When I read them, I realized how many unspoken rules I carried — and how different they were from my partner’s. We never talked about hugs, dances, or “friendly” kisses. And yet those small things were the very things that caused silent pain.

Betrayal doesn’t always start with sex.Sometimes it starts with a look.Sometimes it starts with silence.

And here’s the truth: suspicions and uncomfortable feelings don’t vanish if you ignore them — they grow.


Agreeing on Boundaries Before It Hurts

These questions aren’t here to create paranoia — they’re here to protect both of you and your love.

Because when boundaries aren’t discussed, betrayal (real or imagined) can lead to:

  • Public scandals

  • Humiliation

  • Silent resentment

  • Explosions of anger or even violence

If you’ve already agreed on what loyalty means — and what you’ll do if it’s crossed — there’s no guessing, no drama. You know where each other stands.

Talking now prevents screaming later. It prevents humiliation. It protects love.


Love Within Borders

Love should be alive. Romantic. Warm.

But real love also means respecting each other’s borders — even when they aren’t exactly the same.

These talks don’t kill romance; they protect it. When you both know where the walls are, you can love freely inside them — without fear, resentment, or betrayal hiding in the shadows.


Next in the Series

In my next post, I’ll open the most whispered-about section of the questionnaire: Sex in our lives.

  • How much does it matter?

  • What happens when desire fades?

  • What if partners want different things?


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